


My Fault

by Dark_Lonely_Nights



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Dark, F/F, Self-Hatred, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-15 12:45:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9235754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dark_Lonely_Nights/pseuds/Dark_Lonely_Nights
Summary: When Kara goes missing in another world, Alex blames herself and starts drinking.





	1. Chapter 1

Ever since she heard her sister, her world, Kara. Was lost in another world, she couldnt help but blame herself. Couldnt help the old and far too familiar feelings of worthlessness and self hate stirring within her. She shouldnt of been spending all this time with Maggie. She shouldnt of allowed herself to be happy because look at what happens. She didnt even deserve this happiness in the first place. What did she ever do to deserve it anyways?

 

Alex was sitting alone in her apartment blasting Over the Madness by Paradise lost on loop while downing glasses of whiskey. This scene was all too familiar for her. If she wasnt home alone drowning herself in liquor then she was out at clubs or bars doing it and occasionally fucking some guy she didnt really want to. She hadnt really been doing this as much as she used to the past few years. To think things were getting better. Ha. _She was never going to change._

 

Her phone vibrated on the table in front of her for what seemed like the millionth time tonight. She was ignoring Maggie ever since she found out her sister was gone. Why should she allow herself to be comforted by this perfect woman. She didnt deserve it, i mean, it was her fault her sisters gone in the first place, all because she had been surrounding herself with Maggie all while ignoring her sister. Her Kara who has always been there for her and how does she repay her? by ignoring her to indulge in happiness she didnt deserve by being with Maggie. ''Selfish fucking..cunt'' she muttered into her glass before downing the last of the whiskey. After the sweet burn in her throat subsided, she reached towards the coffee table for more whiskey but ended up falling onto it, smashing the bottle of whiskey to the floor in the process. Everything was spinning..She lay on the table for a few minutes while the song was blasting in her ears.

 

**_Falling._ **

**_Hands are tied._ **

**_Anyone else but me.._ **

 

**_Falling _ **

**_Hands are tied_ **

**_Anyone else but me._ **

 

Afew minutes later she slowly rose from the table. She started heading towards the kitchen for more liquor but felt stinging in her feet. She looked down to see her standing in the shards of glass from the whiskey bottle she broke. She slowly pulled her foot up to take a look and found her foot sliced the fuck up and bleeding. ''Grrreeeat.'' She tried to put her foot down slowly but ended up slamming it down as she lost her balance, cutting her feet up even more. ''This is what i get'' she thought.

After what seemed like for-fucking-ever she finally made it to the kitchen and to her salvation. She started to drink straight from the bottle and guzzled it. Before she knew it she was on the floor..''oh shit.'' The walls were moving, the roof was swirling. She couldnt move. She just layed there and accepted her situation while enjoying the music vibrating in her head.

Unbeknownst to her someone had been at her door knocking for a while now. She saw a figure leaning over her. ''Alex? ALEX!'' Some asshole was slapping her face. She just started laughing. ''Damnit Alex!'' Was it..oh shit. Maggie. Just what she needed. For her to see her like this. At least she now knows what im really like..see her stick around after this..Saves a painful process. She laughed even harder.

 

                                                                                                          Maggie's POV

 

 

Afew days ago, ever since Kara went missing. Alex had been ignoring her. She had been calling and texting her relentlessly to see if she was okay. She must be blaming herself for what though? it wasnt her fault? She had went to the DEO to try and catch her, only to be told that she hasnt been showing up to work lately. Hank told her that she needed a little time to herself after Kara's disappearance but she was going to be fine.. Something deep down told her she wasnt.

It was 9:30 at night and she still wasnt answering her calls or texts for the 2nd day in a row now..Something's up it had to be..They were doing so well then for her to just...pretend like it never happened? Her sisters missing but still..this wasnt the Alex she came to know and love. So she decided to pay her a visit.

 

When she got there she heard music blasting from her apartment. She knocked..no answer...not that anyone would be able to hear her over this shit. She banged as loud as she could on her door continuously while shouting her name..The fuck is she doing in there? She continued this for a minute longer before she decided to kick the door in. She needed to know if she was okay god damnit she couldnt take not knowing.

When she kicked the door in she was greeted by deafening music, a strong stench of alcohol, bloody footprints everywhere and a broken bottle on the floor..What the fuck.

She saw bloody feet on the floor just behind the kitchen counter. Alex.

She rushed over to see her fucked as and lying on the floor. Damn it Alex. She slapped her to wake her up. ''Alex! ALEX!'' Alex stirred then started to laugh. She's off her face. ''Damn it Alex!'' She saw her open her eye's to greet whoever was slapping the shit outta her..She saw her eyes flicker with recognition as she stared up at her. She only laughed harder. ''Oh Alex..'' She heaved her arms around her shoulder. ''Come on..lets get you cleaned up sweetie'' Alex then spewd all over the floor right in front of them. She just rubbed her back, waiting for her to finish so she could move them.

They finally managed to get to the bathroom, only for Alex to throw up again. In the toilet this time at least. She digged through the cupboard in the bathroom looking for bandages and anything else to sort Alex out. She shut the cupboard once she gathered everything only to find Alex passed out on the floor. ''Fuck.''

 

 

                                                                                                                  ////

 

 

Alex awoke the next day with a splitting headache. ''Motherfucker!'' she hissed. She took in her surroundings. She's in her room..on the bed...how the fuck did i get here......Maggie......MAGGIE!

Last thing she remembers is spilling her guts out into the toilet that Maggie had dragged her to before blacking out. Where is she? She went to move but felt her feet sting like a bitch. She looked down to see to it bandaged up neatly. She stared at it while last nights events came flooding back to her.....the glass...the kitchen....lying on the floor. Maggie...Laughing at her oh god..

 

''Alex.''

 

She looked up to see Maggie standing in the doorway with a glass of water in her hands. ..''Maggie'' it came out as a breathless whisper.

This was gonna be a shitload of bullshit to deal with....fucksakes.

 


	2. My Fault

''So..'' Maggie started after a moment that seemed like an eternity of awkward, deafening silence...''How are you feeling?'' Alex gave a light chuckle at that. ''Peachy.'' More silence passed between the two before Maggie started towards her with the glass of water. ''Here take this. it'll help.'' She gave her the glass and held out her hand that was containing some pills..''oh, thank you'' Alex popped the pills and took a gulp of water, forever grateful for this one.

  
The silence was still going strong so Alex decided to down the rest of the glass to make it less awkward only to start choking as a result of drinking too fast. Maggie came closer and started to put her hands around her back to try and help the poor girl but Alex put her hands up a little too fast to stop her. ''Im fine'' she spat out a little too harshly.

 

Maggie decided to skip the bullshit. ''The fuck was that last night'' Alex was taken aback by the straight forwardness of this woman. ''Just something to take the edge off the stress nothing you need to worry abou-'' ''Really? Because it sure as hell looked to me like it was more then that Alex, you were out of control, if i didnt show up to help you something could of happened Alex!!'' ''I wish it did'' She secretly thought to herself.

 

Alex tried her best to put on her most calm and reassuring voice. ''Look'' She started. ''Ever since Kara went missing i just..became overwhelmed with things, so yeah i fucked up last night while trying to relieve the stress but...It wont happen again okay?'' ''It was a one off...promise'' She smiled her brightest smile to try and get this woman to back the fuck off.

 

Maggie just stared at her. It felt like her eyes were boring into her soul. It felt like all those years she spent, carefully building up walls so she could hide herself away, were being teared apart one by one the longer she was under her gaze. It was killing her. In that moment she could of sworn that Maggie saw past all the bullshit. Past her facade and really saw her. The real Alex Danvers.

 

''SO!'' Alex exclaimed, desperate to hide herself. ''Listen'' Maggie stopped her. ''I have to go to work but i can stay with you if you wa-'' ''NOPE Im fine!'' Alex nervously laughed ''I'll just take it easy today, watch a movie...you know chill out hahaha'' ''I'll be fine...really.''

 

Maggie Just stared at her again. Fuckin stab me with a 14 inch screw driver and twist it, jesus christ.

 

''Okay Danvers! You call me if you need anything, i'll stop by tonight to check up on you.'' Alex had that look like she was about to protest but Maggie just shot her a death glare that shut her right up. Damn this woman...

 

  
                                                                                                                                  ////

 

 

 

Alex started drinking at early an age. It slowly became her salvation over the years. Became what cradled her at night. A warmth that replaced the coldness her lonely life came to bring her. Alex wouldnt say she was an alcoholic, because she wasnt. Fuck off she was. But she would admit that it caused a disturbance here and there along her life.

  
Like when she was in University studying chemistry and numerous other subjects. She was so caught up in drinking that she started missing classes. It got to the point the University sent her a letter, summoning her to a meeting with them to discuss her future there since she'd fucked up so much.

  
But she always came through in the end. Pulled herself back up. She was Alex Danvers, its what she did.

 

She had to.

 

The funny thing about this is that drinking was both her reprieve and what caused her pain.

  
But thats what seems to be the case with most things in life.

 

 

Doesnt it?

 

 

 

  
                                                                                                                            ////

 

 

 

Maggie was working another case. All this city seemed to offer was murder, murder, suicide, and more murder. Every now and then she wondered if this is all people had to offer each other. But she did her best to not think of things like this. She couldnt let the job get to her..Couldnt let life get to her. Because when you fall, not many do, or are able to pull you back up. In the end its you who has to save yourself. Maggie learnt that a long time ago......

 

She was staring at pictures of a mutilated corpse, eyes tracing over the many stab wounds trying to find a clue or something she might have missed before. Anything to help move this piece of shit case forward because right now they're fucked.

 

But all that seemed to be running through her mind was Alex Danvers. She kept thinking back to this morning. She wasnt good at dealing with...things....According to her ex she was hard headed, insensitive, and borderline sociopathic. ''Fucking bitch.'' she muttered after replaying their breakup scene.

 

But she wanted to be a better girlfriend to Alex, she deserved better then a border-lining sociopath.

 

She kept thinking about how Alex was lying through her teeth. She doesnt know how, but she could tell she was lying. She just stared at her, studying her. Trying to figure out what was behind the real reason all that happened. She could see Alex squirming under her heavy gaze. Unsettleling more and more by the second.

 

Yeah, she's definitely hiding a secret.

 

She still had nothing on the whereabouts of Kara. No one did. No witnesses, no security footage, no evidence. Not even a suspect or profile for a suspect's'.Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. ''Piece of SHIT!'' She shouted as she threw the photos across the desk.

 

_In the end its you who has to save yourself_

 

''I hope you can Kara, because its the only way you're coming home at this point.''

 

 

  
                                                                                                                          ////

 

 

 

 

It was 2:47 in the afternoon and it couldnt be a more slower day.

Alex was going out of her mind. Where was Kara, where the fuck is she?. All she could think about was Kara, ever since she went missing 3 days ago. Apparently 3 days ago.

Sure as fuck doesnt feel like that..More like 3 months.

 

She was pacing around the house. She had tried to relax and do something. But everything and anything always ended up making her think of Kara. It was the same.

 

The thoughts first started off with her remembering the good times. The happy moments. Then it lead to her being hyper aware of her current reality. The one without her sister. Then it lead to herself..and the bad times. Feeling guilty of the times throughout her life when she harboured jealousy towards her sister. She had no reason to yet still, she did. She never felt like she was good enough.

  
And Maggie...Maggie deserved better then her. She was a mess. Her whole fucking life was.

  
She couldnt take this. She needed to do something. Anything.

 

It seemed like her only coping mechanisms were drinking or fighting. Thats Alex Danvers for you. And she wasnt going to drink so soon after what happened. Though she really fucking wanted to. 

 

She went out and tracked down the first morally bad person she could find. Anyone she could beat up without feeling too much guilt for because if they were bad then they deserved it right? She had always used that excuse. She still knew it wasnt right but most of the time she couldnt bring herself to care.

 

She just needed someone to let her pain out on..Release the stress.

 

She would corner them somewhere isolated. Where no one would interrupt them. Usually alleyways. And she would just let loose. This was why she loved her job at the DEO. Because she regularly got into fights and it was a great way to relieve stress. It was what helped keep her afloat most of the time.

 

She grabbed the guys head and slammed it hard into the brick wall infront of them. Blood started streaming down his head. He turned around and swiftly threw a punch. She wasnt expecting much of a fight. Being a trained DEO agent made most of her fights one sided and no fun. So when she got punched in the face she was ecstatic. Finally, some fun. Someone to rival her and make it a challenge. She always loved a good challenge. He quickly threw 3 consecutive punches after the first one landed. Duck, Dodge, bob.

 

She barely managed to dodge the 3rd punch. As soon as his last punch breezed past her face, she spun around and threw her elbow into his face. only for it to skim the side of his face as he dodged it. Her elbow came flying into the concrete wall.

 

She felt a surge of pain run through her bone. That really fucking hurt.

 

 

 

Motherfucker.

 

 

 

She let out a grunt, and before she could recover, she felt hands grab the back of her head as the man threw his knee into her face.

 

 

_**Smash.** _

 

 

The blow disorientated her. Shit was getting real, REAL fast. She couldnt afford to play around anymore.

 

She fell backwards to the floor and as fast as she could, rolled to the side. She couldnt see properly or hear anything but a ringing in her ears, so she went into autopilot. Tried to interpret the type of attack most likely to be next. As she rolled to the side his foot came crashing down, barely missing her throat.

 

He quickly followed her and started relentlessly throwing strikes at her face. She started throwing her arms up. Blocking each punch with her forearms and elbows.

 

One lapse of concentration was all it would take for her to lose this fight.

 

His bones started cracking from the punches that hit her elbows. By now her senses were back. As his striking slowed down, she kicked him in the chest, sending him to the ground. He was getting up as she came at him full speed before she jumped in the air and landed her elbow square on his head.

 

 

 

She could feel his skull crack beneath her.

 

She should of stopped there but by this point she was so fueled with adrenalin she didnt want to. She started furiously striking him. 2 hits per second. Nose, throat, heart, temple, mouth, lungs. Landing full force blows all over his body, wrecking him. Face, face, chest. Like motherfuckin clockwork.

 

It seemed like forever before she stopped.

 

His body was shaking, even after she stopped hitting him. He reacted as if he were still being struck. There was blood everywhere. She just stood there as she took the scene in. Admired her work. High on adrenaline. The battered man lay on the ground twitching. Breathing shallow. He was alive. That was all that mattered.

 

 

 

She slouched down against a wall and sat there out of breath. The fight had worn her out. It was dark now. She sat there for over 20 minutes. Watching the mans twitching slow down to a steady jump every now and then. She focused on his shallow breathing. How he was struggling to stay alive. She took an almost sadistic pleasure in watching him teeter on the lines between life and death. 

 

She wondered what Kara would think of her if she saw her like this...What Maggie would think...FUCK! She was due to finish her shift soon, then come and check on her.

 

Fuck this woman for caring so much. 

 

Why the fuck couldnt she be like everyone else and not give a shit?

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
